i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
