zippers are such a cool invention
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
