If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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