dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
