I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
