Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
