My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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