Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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