i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
