this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
