My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
