apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
