..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
