Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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