Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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