I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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