I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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