just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
