i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
