I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
