My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
