Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
