Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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