I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
