no, he came in my armpit
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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