it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
