Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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