Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
