oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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