I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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