Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
