i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
