I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
