what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
