May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
