I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The Olympian is in my bed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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