Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
