i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
