The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
