Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
