if you like me you must not know who I am
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
