Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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