Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She bit a glass in half.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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