if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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