I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
