my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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