i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
