You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
