If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
