I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
