the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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