i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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