Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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