Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
