We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
