Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
