Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
