is wine microwaveable?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
